Jokes
STORIES 1
One bolt said to the other; “We’re screwed,” the first ones says. “How do ya know?” … “We have to work with these nuts.”
A guy comes in and asks “Can I get a new starter motor for my Yugo… I said, “Sounds like a good trade to me”
What did the straight screwdriver say to the Phillips screw; “I like ya and all, but you’re just not my type.”
A guy comes in the shop says; “My headlights don’t work.” I ask him; “When did you notice the problem.” He answers; “At night.”
A lady called and told me that her battery was dead. I suggested she “jump” the battery… her reply; “I’m not that kind of girl.” What did the mini spare say to the other four tires? “I’ll stay in the trunk you guys go ahead… I’m a little tire..d” A guy calls and asks, “Do ya think ya can fit my car in the shop today?” The mechanic tells him, “I don’t know, how big is it?”
Over a remote Scottish island a helicopter lost power and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door. She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”
The shop is dead, nothing going on, not a car in sight … anywhere. Then 2 cars pull up, both drivers get out and come into the shop. They tell me the entire problem with the car and hand me the keys. The owner that handed me the keys then describes the car in detail to me …. So I won’t get it confused with the other cars in the parking lot. Then the two of them drove off in the other car. Now I’m confused… Must be more than one parking lot around here.
Customer comes into the lobby, “I’m here to pick up my car.” Mechanic, “You’re that strong aye?”
A young customer calls and tells me that his parking lights aren’t working on his car… I’m having one of those rotten days at the shop that everyone experiences time to time. I thought I would try to ease up the day by lightening things up a bit. The young customer tells me, “I only have 200.00 dollars to spend on the problem. How much do you think it will cost?” Trying to funny with the young customer, I soberly answered him, “199.99.” There was a loud click and then nothing but dial tone… gee, I guess he didn’t appreciate the humor in it.
A caller is unsure whether or not to bring his car in the shop. Even though he has been referred to the shop by several people he personally knows. After much debate but lack of insurance about the capabilities of the shop, he insisted that I come out to his place and examine the car there. I tried another approach to get this guy to bring his car in, “How about you just hold the phone up to the exhaust pipe, I’ll listen to it and then have you rev the engine a bit.” He did just that. After he picked up the phone, (and I stopped laughing) I told him, “Yea, ya better bring it in, sounds serious to me.” He brought it in later that day… go figure.
A simple oil change and tire rotation turned out to be a lesson in physics. I changed the oil and rotated the tires and when I pulled the car around front the owner was outraged. Seems I didn’t align each of the valve stems. I really was thinking it should have been Darwin’s theory of natural selection gone wrong. An old couple is driving on the freeway, their phone rings; it’s their ever so nervous daughter. “Mom, I know you’re on the highway, I just wanted to warn you that there is a crazy driver going the wrong way on the freeway.” Mom shouts back, “There’s more than one.”
A fella calls and goes in to great detail about his truck, the amount of information he gave would fill a book. When asked; what kind of car it was… his only reply; “It’s a red one…” Have you ever noticed that it takes 3 guys in a TV commercial to stare under a hood… I bought a bottle of blinker fluid but I haven’t found where to put it.
It takes over 3500 bolts to put a car together, but it only takes one loose nut behind the wheel to screw the whole thing up.
I – D – I – O – T, this is an oldie, when a new guy starts at the shop we try to make him fit in with the rest of the group. To let the new guy know that we tend not to be as serious as they think we are. We send them to look for a part… an ID…ten….T … If there is some doubt as to where one of these items can be found… we suggest looking in the bathroom … check the mirror. You’ll find it. PRNDL --- Pronounced: “prindel” “People Really Need Driving Lessons”
I asked this really hip New York city driver a question once... "hey, dude, what would you do if you saw a space man... ?" driver; "... I'd park man...."
What is sex drive? The distance from the bar to the motel.....
A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
I just waxed my car..... now it's completely hairless... (from my buddy Kevin Dick ... he's hysterical)
People that run in front of cars.... get tired. People who run behind cars....get exhausted.
CAR ACRONYMS
ACURA: Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AMC: All Makes Combined A Major Cost A Mutated Car A Morons Car Another Major Catastrophe A Man's Car A Miss Conception All Muscle Car All Most Car Annoying Mechanics Constantly Automotive Mental Cruelty
AUDI: Always Unsafe Designs Implemented Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Automobile Under Demonic Influence Another Ugly Deutsche Invention Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc. All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW: Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window Break My Windshield Babbling Mechanical Wench Beastly Monstrous Wonder Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Barely Moving Wreck Big Money Waste Big Money. Why? Big Money Works Born Moderately Wealthy Breaks Most Wrenches Bring Many Wrenches Brings Me Women Brings More Women Broken Money Waster Broke My Wallet Broken Monstrous Wonder Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Blasphemous Motorized Wreck Bavarian Manure Wagon
BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King
Camaro: Can A Mechanic Actually Repair One?? Can't America Make A Real One? Chevrolet Assembled Mustang And Repaired Often Could Always Manufacture And Recall Often
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
LTD: Lacks Total Dependability Lots To Do Looses Transmissions Daily
GEO: Good Engineering Overlooked
GM: General Maintenance Great Mistake Garbage Motors Generally Miserable Grossly Misconceived Gluteus Maximus Good Money Goofy's Manufacturing Gone Mental
GMC: Grief & Misery Combined Garage Man's Companion Gotta Mechanic Coming? Generally Mediocre Cars Get More Chicks Gets Mechanics Crazy Gods Mechanical Curse Got More Crap Great Mountain Climber Great Motor Car God Made Chevy Good Moron Car Got Mine Cheap Get My Checkbook Gone Mad Corp.
GTO: Gas, Tires, Oil Get Tools Out Get To Onramp Good To Own Get The Others Generally Trashed Out Good Time Out Gone To Overdrive
HONDA: Honest Officer, Nobody Drank Anything Had One Never Did Again Hang On, Not Done Accelerating Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles History Of No Dramatic Acceleration How Odd, No Darn Acceleration? PRELUDE: Pistons Rattle, Engine Locks Up, Differential Explodes
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
JEEP: Just Eats Every Part Just Empty Every Pocket Junk Engineering Executed Poorly Jumps Extremely Excitedly over Potholes Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts Just Enough Engine Power
KIA: Kick It Around Kick It Again Killed In Action
LOTUS : Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious
MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater Dead Old Dog Going East Dead On Day Guarantee Expires Dead On Delivery, Go Easy Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive
EDSEL: Every Day Something Else Leaks Every Day Some Engineer Laughs
FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology Fix It Again, Tony Fix It All the Time Found In A Toilet Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FERRARI Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Instantly
FORD: Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill First On Race Day First On Recall Day Fabricated Of Refried Dung Fails On Rainy Days Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream Fatally Obese Redneck Driver Fault Of R&D Finally Obsolete Racing Device Fireball On Rear Denting First On Road to Dump First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Recycle Dilemma Flipping Over Results in Death Flipped Over Roadside Disaster Follow Our Rusty Dogsled Foot On Road Decelerates Forced On Reluctant Drivers Formed Of Rejected DNA Forwarded Once; Return Denied Forward Only; Reverse Defective Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin Fork Over Repair Dough Fouled Out Re-done Dodge Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration Free Or Reduced Drastically Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable Funny Old Rattling Dump Forget Out Running Dale (Earnhardt or Jarrett) Features O.J. and Ron`s DNA Found Out-Right Dangerous Future Of Racings Delight (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot (backwards) Dumb Rednecks Own Fords
MG: Money Guzzler Mostly Garaged Major Goof MGB: Might Go Backwards MGB: Might Go, But . . . MGB: Motor Going Bad MGF: Might Go Forward
MIATA: My Intention: Always To Accelerate
MOPAR: Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously Most Often Passed At Races Mostly Old Parts And Rust Move Over People Are Racing Move Over, Plymouth Approaching Rapidly My Old Pig Ain't Running My Only Problems Are Repairs Mechanics Offer Pinto As Replacement More Often Parts Are Replaced
MUSTANG: Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good Massivly Under Sized Tires And No Go Maybe Under Serious Thought Another No Go Maybe Under Serious Thought Another Nice GTO
OLDSMOBILE: Old Ladies Driving Slowly, Making Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO: Put In Nickel To Operate Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook Put In New Transmission Often Pushed In Neutral Too Often
PONTIAC: Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car Poor Old Numbskull Thinks Its A Cadillac
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
SAAB: Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sad Attempt At Beauty Sorry Auto, Always Broken Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass The One You Ought To Avoid
TRIUMPH: This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TR: Tools Required
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW: Vintage Wreck Virtually Worthless
